Feedback to Major Writing 2 draft 1
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Speech 2 Outline
Introduction The imperial unit system is inefficient and causes problems Parts manufactured to be incompatible with metric problems in conversions/scholarly work inefficiency of the units Body Examples of problems caused (miscalculations/communications) Miscalculation of gravity Metric system units are more connected Relationships across unit systems vs no/little relation Everyone else is on the metric system More universal How we can change to the metric system Metric preferred but both still printed for x number of years Conclusion Metric system more efficient Metric system is more universal 2 systems causes problems
1. Flow and Readability
ReplyDeleteYour paper seemed to flow pretty well and I felt like it was quite easy to read. You provided me with a clear picture of the problems, findings and implications. The only part that didn't really flow well was the first part of your introduction. That was because there was a run-on-sentence that I felt hurt the readability. Something that was also not that good was your Methods and Discussion sections were lacking subheadings. You can increase your reports readability by adding subheading such as participation, procedure, data analysis to methods. In addition to this, you can use the subheadings future research, implications and problems to your discussion section to improve readability there.
2. Format and Language use
The language that you use very good, its concise and clear. You avoid using pronouns aswell which also good. I don't think there are pattern errors, but you you don't have a clear results section. You do not fufill the length requirement, you are missing the references section. From what I can tell you seem to follow the apa structure for everything except references since you are missing that.
3.Organization/IMRaD genre
Your abstract has everything needed in it, to improve it, you could focus more on the implications of your findings. Your introduction has a gap, and you explain why the topic is important. In addition to this your intro touches upon why it this is important and you do analyze four sources. To improve this part, you could discuss the four sources more in depth. Your methods section had no clear headings, you had no participants but i don't think thats needed for yours, and you had procedures. You had some data analysis aswell. You had a decent amount of details. An obvious way to improve this would be to provide headings. You had no results section :(. Discussion section was good in general. Only thing that you were missing or that could be improved upon would be a part on future research.
4. You provide loads of data for your report. However, your data could be analyzed a bit more. You say how experiment contributes to our understanding of the topic but you could go into more detail.
5. 3-5 areas for imrpovement.
The first thing you could improve would be to fix your subheadings and headings. You don't have subheadings under the methods or discussion section and are missing a results section. Another area to improve would be to cite your sources properly with a reference page. In addition to this, your discussion section could be imrpoved. You are lacking a future research section.